Why Jesus Wants Me to Have a Big Wedding

As I've mentioned before, I have dreamt of my wedding pretty much my whole life. I've had a plethora of detailed dreams about it (of course, until recently, all of them had the annoying can't-see-the-groom's-face-at-the-end-of-the-aisle ending). I've saved pictures online and bookmarked wedding blogs for a few years now. Heck, when I was about 14 I decided I wanted to use the money my Paw had graciously and sweetly stored away for me for my wedding and/or honeymoon.

Okay, that's my side.

Miles, bless his heart, has not dreamt of such things. He's had dreams about things after the wedding. He's kept things in perspective. He's told me (more than once) that our wedding day is really the least important day of our marriage, with the last day of it holding the most weight. Granted, this perspective of realism has been helpful in planning. It's allowed me to relinquish some control (which is a big deal for me) and to not allow planning to be stressful or anxiety-provoking. However, I take this perspective with a grain of salt. I mean, come on, we're only getting married once! And it's pretty much the biggest party of our lives. There won't be any other time in our life where all our friends and family are gathered. That's a big deal!

Yesterday, I was reading in Let Me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot (shocker, I know); she addresses the tension between wedding dreams and vanity beautifully, per yoush.

I laughed reading Jim Elliot's thoughts on weddings: [They are] "the vainest, most meaningless forms... no vestige of reality. The witnesses dress for show. The flesh is given all the place. We Fundamentalists are a pack of mood-loving show-offs... It is no more than an expensive tedium."

What a man. Obviously, Jim Elliot, at the age of 21, "had not come to understand the meaning of ritual." Elisabeth contrasts her late husband's quote with C.S. Lewis' thoughts on pomp, ritual, and humility:

Above all, you must be rid of the hideous idea, fruit of a widespread inferiority complex, that pomp, on the proper occasions, has any connection with vanity or self-conceit. A celebrant approaching the altar, a princess led out by a king to dance to dance a minuet, a general officer on a ceremonial parade, a major-domo preceding the boar's head at a Christmas feast - all these wear unusual clothes and move with calculated dignity. This does not mean that they are vain, but that they are obedient, they are obeying the hoc age which presides over every solemnity. The modern habit of doing ceremonial things unceremoniously is no proof of humility; rather it proves the offender's inability to forget himself in the rite, and his readiness to spoil for everyone else the proper pleasure of ritual.

Ahhh... bless you, C.S. Lewis. Isn't this such a richly beautiful imagery of ritual and tradition?

Elisabeth Elliot goes on to say that earthly orders are a reflection of the heavenly. A wedding isn't "merely an excuse to get all our friends and relatives together to 'share our joy'... [it is] a celebration of marriage, of an institution ordained of God at the creation of man, to be entered into with solemnity as well as with joy."

I often think of marriage as a reflection of Christ's relationship with his bride, the church. But for some strange reason, I forget weddings in and of themselves are a reflection of Christ's pursuit of and covenant with his bride. People love weddings, because, yes, they're fun, but ultimately because they are a reflection of something much greater. They're a dim semblance of a more glorious reality.

Real Marriage Nuggets O' Wisdom

As you, loyal follower, are probably aware of, I went to the Real Marriage conference with my fiance and two wonderful friends this past weekend. It was awesome.

Prior to the conference, I listened to some of the RM sermons as well as read parts of the book, so some of the information was the same, but let's be real, Mark Driscoll is pretty much hilarious so hearing the same joke twice was fine by me. Most of the wisdom I felt like I gained was from Grace, Mark's wife, during the Q&A sessions.

Here are some wisdom nugs from the conference:

Nugget 1: There are 3 kinds of marriages:

1. Back-to-back: back to back marriages aren't good, in fact, they're kind of awful. Generally couples with this type of marriage have separate activities, separate beds, separate bank accounts, etc. They don't even really enjoy each other, and they sure as heck aren't friends.
2. Shoulder-to-shoulder: this kind of marriage is your run-of-the-mill, not too shabby (but not too great) marriage. These couples are task oriented. They're focused on ministry, children, other family members, etc. all before their spouse. This is the life-happened-and-I-woke-up-fifteen-years-later-to-realize-I-didn't-know-my-spouse kinda marriage. This is the most easy to fall into marriage. Ultimately an idol is holding this type of marriage together, and often when that idol is removed, the spouses go their separate ways.
3. Face-to-face: In a face-to-face marriage, the husband and wife are friends. They are constantly growing in their friendship with Jesus and their friendship with each other. (That's what I'm talkin' bout.) 

 Nugget 2: ask good questions

• "How are you doing?" is a face-to-face question
• "What are you doing?" is a shoulder-to-shoulder question

Nugget 3: sanctification
"A spouse doesn't change you, they reveal you." Marriage is sanctifying. Relationships in general are. (Aaaamen to that.)
They used an analogy of two cups, one representing each spouse. Your spouse doesn't determine what's in the cup or change what's in the cup, but they can bump against your cup and see what comes out. (Can you say, "convicting?")

Nugget 4: Marriage gets better or it gets bitter.
To borrow the words of my pastor's wife, you aren't "dealt" a good marriage or a bad marriage. Its a dynamic relationship that you work on together.

Nugget 5: how to fight
Dr. John Gottman, a marriage researcher, can predict (with 91% accuracy) whether or not couples will get a divorce based on these four factors during conflict:

1. Criticism that attacks the person not the problem. (a.k.a. "You always do this!" or "You never do that!")
2. Contempt that is rooted in disgust. This manifests itself in a parental tone.
3. Defensiveness where the guilty person refuses to repent.
4. Stonewalling (where one person shuts down or walks away)

Nugget 6: sin or mistake?
Agree to ground rules before fighting: Has your spouse committed a sin or simply made a mistake? 

Nugget 7: conflict isn't bad because it's real, heartfelt, and sanctifying
"If you never fight, you probably aren't having heartfelt conversations that often lead to disagreement." (Real Marriage)

I didn't even get to half of the little bits of wisdom I took away from the weekend because there were lots! I know Mark and Grace have gotten a lot of flack for their book. I know every Christian doesn't get warm and fuzzy insides when they hear the name "Mark Driscoll." But their book isn't a hard and fast rule book that's all about sex (in fact, only half the book is about sex). It's got good principles for friendship, and more specifically, the most intimate friendship - marriage!

You can listen to the Real Marriage series here and purchase the book here!

Which Old Testament Laws Still Apply?

I've often wondered what the purpose of the Old Testament is and how much of it still applies (and have even taken a class on this question this semester). Some think it's just to show us how to be "good people," offering up exemplary individuals to model your life after. Some think it's a rule book. And others see it as pointing completely to Jesus.

I believe the entirety of the Old Testament points to the New Covenant God made through Jesus Christ as he took on all our sins and rose again, victorious over death, proving that God wholly accepted his sacrifice. That being said, I don't just straight up chuck the Old Testament.

Aside from pointing to Jesus, the Old Testament has lots of laws that we still follow. Not murdering? It's generally advised. Do not covet? While difficult at times, it is sinful. Not eating shell fish? Ehhh... That's where it gets a little sticky. Camping outside of my house once a month? Like, in a tent? Let's be real, that's definitely not going to happen.

While reading Real Marriage by Mark & Grace Driscoll, I stumbled across this wonderful categorization of OT laws, which states which laws apply and which ones don't:

1. Ceremonial laws - these laws refer "to the priesthood, sacrifices, temple, cleanness, and so forth, [and] are now fulfilled in Jesus. These laws are no longer binding on us because Jesus is our priest, temple, sacrifice, cleanser, and so forth." 
2. Civil laws - these laws pertain "to the governing of Israel as a nation ruled by God. Since we are no longer a theocracy, we believe these laws, while insightful, are not directly binding on us." Romans 13 refers to non-theocratic governments and how all authority is in place because God allows it to be and therefore, as followers of Jesus, we should submit to governmental authority.
3. Moral laws - these laws forbid "such things as rape, stealing and murder. These laws are still binding upon us, even though Jesus fulfilled their requirements through His sinless life."

 The New Testament states over and over again how Jesus has fulfilled the law. And he has! Praise the Lord. We are no longer bound by a sacrificial system, because Jesus was the ultimate, eternal sacrifice. We don't have to be represented by a priest because Jesus is our High Priest, the ultimate intermediary between us and God the Father. While the Law has been fulfilled through Jesus, all of it, in its entirety, we still uphold moral laws in order to mirror our understanding of the Gospel.

I Want to Marry a Woman

I'm currently reading Let Me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot. Holy cow. So much goodness. In it, she talks about issues like biblical womanhood, marriage, submission, pride, and motherhood. If you're unfamiliar with the name, Elisabeth Elliot is the wife of late Jim Elliot, a missionary to the Waodani people of Ecuador who died trying to share the Gospel with them. She is a champ. Seriously. Let Me Be a Woman is one of the many books she has written (among hordes of other accomplishments), though I've not had a chance to read others yet.

Elliot wrote Let Me Be a Woman for her daughter, Valerie, while she was engaged and about to get married. Her writing style is fabulous - in my opinion, its very reminiscent of writers in the late 1800s and early 1900s, but in actuality, her book wasn't written that long ago. To say her values and beliefs are conservative and traditional would be an understatement. Even some of my most traditional friends have found excerpts from her books to be a bit extreme. She's a go-big-or-go-home kind of lady, which I appreciate.

She might sound stuffy, but she's really hilarious. I got super tickled reading the chapter "You Marry a Man." On the outside that seems rather obvious, but she showed me that I don't always think I'm going to marry a man. Sometimes, like many women, I want to marry a woman.

Take, for example, wedding planning. I have been dreaming about my wedding since I was a little girl. Literally. I have pictures from when I was 3 years old playing dress up in a wedding dress, complete with a veil and flowers. Miles, on the other hand, being a man, didn't play dress up in this manner as a child. He didn't wear a tuxedo and dream about seeing his future wife walking down the aisle or contemplate invitation fonts that would coordinate (not match) with a delicate, yet rustic wedding theme. But, alas, I sometimes treat him like he did day dream about such things. I get frustrated when he doesn't have an opinion on anything wedding related. I sometimes treat him like a woman, rather than treasuring the non-womanlike, very manly qualities about him.

Elliot says women often aren't looking for a man to marry, but other benefits of marriage like security, safety, and children. She hilariously discusses women's frustrations with men, such as their expanded surface area, which conveniently attracts loads more dirt than any woman is capable of, and their inability to fold towels in thirds in order to properly display the monogram.

Moral of the story: get Let Me Be a Woman and read it! God didn't create people in his own image. He created man and woman in his own image - equal, different, separate, and complementary in order to put His glory on display. Rather than nitpicking the differences between men and women, treasure the differences and complementarity of God's design! 

Are the 5 Love Languages Gospel-Centered?

I really like the 5 love languages. I think it's a wonderful concept and a good book for any type of relationship, be that romantic, friendship, or familial in nature. I vividly remember my godmother telling me my love language was gifts as if it were a cold hard fact. I immediately rejected the idea; I was sure I had to have a holier love language - I mean gifts are so shallow! I knew mine was something pious like acts of service or quality time. That self-righteous thought lasted all of 14 minutes until I read the descriptions of the various languages and was immediately humbled. My primary love language is hands down gifts. I love getting gifts and feel incredibly loved when I receive them. I also love giving them! And, for the record, my second love language is clearly physical touch (once again, a previously dubbed "shallow" love language).

When I first heard about the 5 love languages I thought they were super biblical. I mean after all they were promoting spouses to love and sacrifice for one another and parents to dote upon their children in a loving and receivable way. It wasn't until recently when I thought about the Gospel-centeredness of the 5 love languages. Are the 5 love languages even scripturally sound and Gospel-centered?

The answer: yes! :) and no! :(

The 5 love languages (which are gifts, physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, and acts of service) teach individuals to love those they're in relationship with well in a way in which the other person feels loved. This includes sacrifice and humility. Generally people "speak" the language they like to receive. For example, I feel most loved by receiving gifts, no matter the size. While I enjoy words of affirmation every once in a while, they often make me feel uncomfortable. Miles on the other hand really values and loves words of affirmation, so I've had to be conscious of that in freely speaking that to him, as well as uncomfortably receiving that language too. The Gospel in and of itself screams sacrifice and discomfort. Jesus Christ, Son of the Creator, supreme Lord who holds the world together by his word, came into the world he created, as a baby to die an incredibly excruciating death. Talk about sacrifice. In comparison, me feeling a little uncomfortable with words of affirmation seems stupidly silly and insignificant. The 5 love languages are Gospel-centered in that they promote sacrificial love, a dim shadow of the love with which Christ loves the church, his bride. 

The problem comes when people take the 5 love languages as a self-help book, void of the Gospel, which I admittedly did for years after reading the book. These principles are ridiculously easy to twist to become self-serving and self-centered, not Gospel-centered. Quickly the languages are turned inward, rather than the intended outward service, to serve selfish and sinful desires that neatly fall under one of 5 categories. At multiple points throughout my life, I vividly remember feeling unloved because of others lack of service to my own love languages. Is that Gospel-centered? Absolutely not. I used the love languages as a cop-out for my own disbelief in the Gospel. I didn't truly believe that in Christ there was nothing more than I needed and that God was abundantly sufficient for my joy. I threw a pretty spectacular pity party for myself because my love languages weren't being spoken to me (a.k.a. my idolatrous heart yearned for something more than God - something in the form of a gift or touch - because I didn't believe his gracious gift of righteousness was enough).

So, go ahead, read the 5 Love Languages. It's a good book that will undoubtedly help you love your significant other, your siblings, your parents, your roommates, and your friends better. But more importantly, deepen your understanding of the Gospel, your understanding of what you've been given in Christ, and by the Spirit's grace, live that out. Even a measly fraction of Christ's sacrificial and tender love for the church trumps a weak reflection of an easily mangled, categorized love any day of the week.

Imaginitive Fear & Harry Caray

I am a worrier. That's why my friends call me whiskers. No? Anyone? If you've never seen this video, seriously watch it.

On a more serious note, because I am a worrier, I recently started reading Overcoming Fear, Worry, & Anxiety by Elyse Fitzpatrick. It's been wonderful so far and has been extremely revealing and convicting as I see how often I allow fear and anxiety to dominate my thoughts. So many times my imagination runs rampant, coming up with scenarios that are not only illogical but often impossible that I spend time and energy worrying about, despite their improbability. Elyse Fitzpatrick speaks directly to this idea of imaginative fear by saying,

"the problem with fears that exist only in our imagination is that, since they aren't real, we must face them alone... it's only in the real world that His power is effective to uphold us in trouble."

While we can't will our imaginations into submission by changing our own nature, we can rely on the Holy Spirit, because only true change in our hearts and minds comes from Him. 

Rest in this verse today: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You." -Isaiah 26:3

Review: Heaven is For Real

 So I had a delicious sweet potato biscuit recipe lined up for today's post, then I read this book and suddenly sweet potato biscuits seemed trivial. Sweet potato biscuits will debut next week, but let's talk about heaven now.

Just to testify to the goodness of the book, I started reading it at 6:00 p.m. yesterday and finished at 9:30, taking a break for dinner. And I'm a slow reader. That's how good it was. I couldn't put it down! 

If I give a summary of the book, I'll give away the whole book because I'm just too stinkin' excited about some of the details. The back of the book talks about Colton (the almost 4 year old who went to heaven during a life-threatening surgery) seeing his sister who had been miscarried before Colton was even born and meeting his great grandfather, Pop, who also died before Colton was born (try 30 years before he was born!). Colton also talks about Jesus, His Dad, and the Holy Spirit - who shoots down power from heaven to us. Crazy. Okay, so I didn't really give anything more away than what's on the back of the book, but seriously, there are so many more details Colton gives about heaven that are mind blowing and completely biblical. The best part of Colton's recollection of heaven is that its entirely innocent. He retells details about heaven the way any 4 year old would, making it simple but so incredibly beautiful.

Heaven is For Real just confirmed how capable young children are of understanding and grasping the Gospel. Colton gets the Gospel and is extremely concerned that people know Jesus so they can "be with his Dad." One of my biggest issues with the church and Christian parents is how children are often coddled and babied spiritually. Often times, kids are so much more ready to accept spiritual truths than parents or children's church workers give them credit for. Colton wasn't even 4 years old when he got to see heaven for real. The book discusses another 4 year old Lithuanian girl who receives visions of heaven - and her mom was an athiest! The little girl had never even heard of God. I accepted Jesus as my Savior when I was 4. Looking back now, that seems entirely crazy - I was a baby! But it was legit. Four years old is definitely not too young for a child to understand the Gospel.

Seeing young kids capable of grasping the Gospel makes me incredibly excited to get to be around children of all ages this summer and hopefully challenge them spiritually!

With every new chapter I read, I kept thinking of various people in my life who have to read this book. So, if you fall under any of these categories, you should definitely pick this book up today!

• If you've ever had a miscarriage
• If you work with kids in any capacity (children's ministers, nursery workers, etc.)
• If you have kids or think you may some day be a parent
• If you have a hard time visualizing what heaven is like and are just plain curious
• If you've ever lost someone you love
• If you're interested in the end times/Revelation
• If you work with older people
• If you love Jesus - the way Colton describes Jesus is so tender and loving, it's impossible that it doesn't not revitalize your love for Jesus and make you realize his crazy love for you
• If you don't love Jesus and don't believe in Him - this book will at least give you some perspective of what Christians believe in terms of eternity   
• If you love rainbows! (sounds weird, but you need to read it too!) 

Hopefully that covers everyone, because seriously everyone needs to read this book. Heaven is For Real is hands down the best non-fiction Christian book I've ever read. It's so simple and innocent and honestly, at parts, hilarious because it's all from the perspective of a 4 year old.