Real Marriage Nuggets O' Wisdom

As you, loyal follower, are probably aware of, I went to the Real Marriage conference with my fiance and two wonderful friends this past weekend. It was awesome.

Prior to the conference, I listened to some of the RM sermons as well as read parts of the book, so some of the information was the same, but let's be real, Mark Driscoll is pretty much hilarious so hearing the same joke twice was fine by me. Most of the wisdom I felt like I gained was from Grace, Mark's wife, during the Q&A sessions.

Here are some wisdom nugs from the conference:

Nugget 1: There are 3 kinds of marriages:

1. Back-to-back: back to back marriages aren't good, in fact, they're kind of awful. Generally couples with this type of marriage have separate activities, separate beds, separate bank accounts, etc. They don't even really enjoy each other, and they sure as heck aren't friends.
2. Shoulder-to-shoulder: this kind of marriage is your run-of-the-mill, not too shabby (but not too great) marriage. These couples are task oriented. They're focused on ministry, children, other family members, etc. all before their spouse. This is the life-happened-and-I-woke-up-fifteen-years-later-to-realize-I-didn't-know-my-spouse kinda marriage. This is the most easy to fall into marriage. Ultimately an idol is holding this type of marriage together, and often when that idol is removed, the spouses go their separate ways.
3. Face-to-face: In a face-to-face marriage, the husband and wife are friends. They are constantly growing in their friendship with Jesus and their friendship with each other. (That's what I'm talkin' bout.) 

 Nugget 2: ask good questions

• "How are you doing?" is a face-to-face question
• "What are you doing?" is a shoulder-to-shoulder question

Nugget 3: sanctification
"A spouse doesn't change you, they reveal you." Marriage is sanctifying. Relationships in general are. (Aaaamen to that.)
They used an analogy of two cups, one representing each spouse. Your spouse doesn't determine what's in the cup or change what's in the cup, but they can bump against your cup and see what comes out. (Can you say, "convicting?")

Nugget 4: Marriage gets better or it gets bitter.
To borrow the words of my pastor's wife, you aren't "dealt" a good marriage or a bad marriage. Its a dynamic relationship that you work on together.

Nugget 5: how to fight
Dr. John Gottman, a marriage researcher, can predict (with 91% accuracy) whether or not couples will get a divorce based on these four factors during conflict:

1. Criticism that attacks the person not the problem. (a.k.a. "You always do this!" or "You never do that!")
2. Contempt that is rooted in disgust. This manifests itself in a parental tone.
3. Defensiveness where the guilty person refuses to repent.
4. Stonewalling (where one person shuts down or walks away)

Nugget 6: sin or mistake?
Agree to ground rules before fighting: Has your spouse committed a sin or simply made a mistake? 

Nugget 7: conflict isn't bad because it's real, heartfelt, and sanctifying
"If you never fight, you probably aren't having heartfelt conversations that often lead to disagreement." (Real Marriage)

I didn't even get to half of the little bits of wisdom I took away from the weekend because there were lots! I know Mark and Grace have gotten a lot of flack for their book. I know every Christian doesn't get warm and fuzzy insides when they hear the name "Mark Driscoll." But their book isn't a hard and fast rule book that's all about sex (in fact, only half the book is about sex). It's got good principles for friendship, and more specifically, the most intimate friendship - marriage!

You can listen to the Real Marriage series here and purchase the book here!

Monday Musings: Real Marriage Tour!

For my birthday, my sweet fiance got me tickets (+ the greatest popcorn maker ever) to hear Mark and Grace Driscoll speak at their Real Marriage conference in Lynchburg, VA!

We have really great friends that came too, which made the weekend twice as fun and laughter-filled! Thanks for coming, TJ & Lauren!

Once again, this weekend was full of adult-like moments. I purchased (read: my daddy purchased) two hotel rooms. I checked into a hotel. By myself. What is this world coming to?! I might as well have a 401k. Lauren and I had to balance out being "real" adults by staying up ridiculously late having pillow talk, 7th-grade-sleepover-style.

It was super fun and insightful! I am so thankful we received some wise and practical counsel to prep for actually being married! Woohoo!

 "I just loooove the way Mark Driscoll speaks to men." (If you haven't seen Sh*tuff Christian Girls Say, run to YouTube. Like, now.)

We ended the weekend by eating sushi - which was a first for Lauren! - and watching The Notebook, per TJ's request.

Unsure, indifferent, and a thumbs-up to sushi in Chapel Hill!

The weekend was overall pretty fantastic. The conference itself was really great! Mark and Grace shared tons of wisdom nuggets, which, never fear, friends, I too will share with you soon! :)

My "10 Foot Tall" Man

This past summer I got lots of relationship advice. Some was wonderful, some was... interesting, as personal opinions and varied experiences often make for.  

Today, friends, count yourselves lucky, because I'm sharing with you one of said gems in the sometimes awesome and always awkward realm of relationships...

"Your husband should be 10 feet tall."

Obviously, this isn't meant to be literal. Although, let's be real, marrying a 10 foot tall man would be welcome chlorine to my vertically challenged gene pool.  

When I first heard this proverb, I was confused, then, with some explanation, enlightened. Ladies, in your mind, your man should be so incredibly wonderful that he seems 10 feet tall. A man that is "10 feet tall" is one who is easy to look up to (punny!) and easy to follow. He's a protector. He garners respect. His presence is never overlooked. There's so much of him that you could brag about his good qualities for hours on end. In essence, you're marrying up big time (hence the hyperbolized analogy).

  

Bottom line: ladies, make sure your man is super tall. I know mine is :)

I Want to Marry a Woman

I'm currently reading Let Me Be a Woman by Elisabeth Elliot. Holy cow. So much goodness. In it, she talks about issues like biblical womanhood, marriage, submission, pride, and motherhood. If you're unfamiliar with the name, Elisabeth Elliot is the wife of late Jim Elliot, a missionary to the Waodani people of Ecuador who died trying to share the Gospel with them. She is a champ. Seriously. Let Me Be a Woman is one of the many books she has written (among hordes of other accomplishments), though I've not had a chance to read others yet.

Elliot wrote Let Me Be a Woman for her daughter, Valerie, while she was engaged and about to get married. Her writing style is fabulous - in my opinion, its very reminiscent of writers in the late 1800s and early 1900s, but in actuality, her book wasn't written that long ago. To say her values and beliefs are conservative and traditional would be an understatement. Even some of my most traditional friends have found excerpts from her books to be a bit extreme. She's a go-big-or-go-home kind of lady, which I appreciate.

She might sound stuffy, but she's really hilarious. I got super tickled reading the chapter "You Marry a Man." On the outside that seems rather obvious, but she showed me that I don't always think I'm going to marry a man. Sometimes, like many women, I want to marry a woman.

Take, for example, wedding planning. I have been dreaming about my wedding since I was a little girl. Literally. I have pictures from when I was 3 years old playing dress up in a wedding dress, complete with a veil and flowers. Miles, on the other hand, being a man, didn't play dress up in this manner as a child. He didn't wear a tuxedo and dream about seeing his future wife walking down the aisle or contemplate invitation fonts that would coordinate (not match) with a delicate, yet rustic wedding theme. But, alas, I sometimes treat him like he did day dream about such things. I get frustrated when he doesn't have an opinion on anything wedding related. I sometimes treat him like a woman, rather than treasuring the non-womanlike, very manly qualities about him.

Elliot says women often aren't looking for a man to marry, but other benefits of marriage like security, safety, and children. She hilariously discusses women's frustrations with men, such as their expanded surface area, which conveniently attracts loads more dirt than any woman is capable of, and their inability to fold towels in thirds in order to properly display the monogram.

Moral of the story: get Let Me Be a Woman and read it! God didn't create people in his own image. He created man and woman in his own image - equal, different, separate, and complementary in order to put His glory on display. Rather than nitpicking the differences between men and women, treasure the differences and complementarity of God's design! 

Courtship "Defined"

Since Miles & I started "courting" (as opposed to dating), I've gotten lots of questions about what courtship is exactly. Defining courtship is inherently problematic because every person (whether they decide to court or not) has a different opinion or definition about courtship, and to be honest, there isn't even a conclusive and widely accepted definition among courters. One sweet lady asked me to define courtship for her because the only thing she knew about courting was from the Duggar family (check out the cheesy, but not all too far off video). Besides the Duggar family, most people think about Josh Harris's I Kissed Dating Goodbye. Both of these courtship-endorsing entities are significantly conservative and to many seem outlandish and old-fashioned. 

For us, courtship is above all else intentional. When Miles first came to me to tell me how he felt about me, he didn't say "I've really enjoyed spending time with you this summer and would love to hang out and spend more time together." Thank goodness, because, really, what does that even mean?! That hypothetical statement reveals nothing about his intentions, and would have deeply hurt me and left me playing he-likes-me-he-likes-me-not games with myself. Instead of being vague, he protected both of our hearts by saying "I've really enjoyed spending time with you this summer, and after prayer and council, believe you are the perfect woman for me. I want you to be my wife." BOOM. You can't really get more clear than that, people. We had discussed when we would get married, how many kids we wanted, our testimonies and our views on tons of theological issues all before we went on our first real date.

I realize to the majority of people this sounds super crazy. And honestly, it kinda is. But, you know what else is super crazy? The Gospel. The whole reason Miles chose to court me rather than date me was because of the Gospel and how it was modeled through courtship.

Jesus didn't come to earth to get to know us and "date" us, then decide if he would die for our sins in love. Instead, when the fullness of time had come, Jesus wholeheartedly came down to earth to pursue the church, love her, and sacrificially die for her. In the same way, in courtship a man pursues the Lord, gets to know a godly woman in community, then sacrificially pursues her for marriage with love. There's no guesswork, no "getting to know each other" to determine if they're "the one," no waiting for a post-date call - really, in that manner, courtship is quite fantastic.

Many people dream about modeling the Gospel in marriage, but completely forsake the Gospel in the stages leading up to marriage, relying instead on social constructs with often heart-breaking consequences. 

I'm not saying courtship is for everyone. I haven't always been a hard-core courter at heart. Both Miles and I had dated multiple people before meeting each other and beginning our courtship. I think there is a godly way to date, but I think courtship eliminates so much of the awkwardness and heartache that often accompanies dating. 

Regardless of whether you date or court, seek to demonstrate the Gospel in word and deed while seeking a spouse. Both dating and courtship look differently for everyone. Prayerfully consider which is best for you and don't compromise. 

Courtship isn't defined by ankle length jean skirts and Sketchers, but instead the sacrificial pursuit laid out by the Gospel.